Ok... maybe I've really done it this time and maybe I don't care. Maybe. We'll see how this plays out. I unfriended my mom on Facebook. Very liberating but worrisome because she really takes things to an extreme. If I thought it would do me any good whatsoever to talk my issues out with her, I would try. But the reality is my mom does not take criticism well (who does, right?) and she doesn't believe any of it anyway. She always has a justification for her behavior (I know, we all do) but when you point out the problems, she refuses to acknowledge any role she's played in a misunderstanding, a misinterpretation, a miscommunication... everyone else is always wrong, she is always right. And her attitude is "it is what it is, I am what I am and so be it."
Well, good for her. I wish I could be so callous and not give a damn, not apologize - ever - for who I am, EVER, especially when I'm wrong. I wish I was so confident in the value of me to others that I believed I could and should treat them however I please without consequence. But I'm not. And somehow SHE raised me this way - with a sensitive side and a caring heart. If I didn't have either, I'd probably have dumped her ass a long time ago.
This is a year of change for me: Revolution 45. It has finally sunk into my thick skull that I can't do the same thing over and over and expect different results. This has got to be the year for change or it will just be a repeat of the past 25. I am so ready to be who I've always meant for me to be and I'm finally taking steps towards that. I cringe at the thought of all the years wasted and the fact that I'm spiraling towards it being too late. (Please, no "45 is not old" or "age is a number not a state of mind." I know all that! But the truth is, in society, I'm being written off. I've become invisible and am not "eligible" for certain things anymore. What-the-fuck-ever. My child-bearing years are, sadly, behind me, sans a miracle and even then its a precarious situation. Bottom line is turning 45 sucks. It just sucks. It's the beginning of the end and I haven't made the best of my life so far, I've only flittered thru. I don't want to flitter anymore. I want to knock the hell out of whatever is left. I'm ready to roll.)
So, chock one up for Soda for taking a stand. Right now a secret stand because I have no idea if she realizes it or will even ask me when she does realize it. Right now I'm OK w/my decision and believe I'm going to stick to my guns. I've unfriended her because I'm tired of her snide comments to other people that I don't have time for her anymore "because I'm busy w/my farm." Fuck her. Ever since my sister split with her husband - something my mom has been pressing her to do for years - and now lives in her neighborhood, she has not called me except for Easter Sunday. Then, when I asked her what she wanted me to do about us getting together for Easter, she didn't have an answer but called my sister after we got off the phone & invited her & the kids out to lunch. B*tch. Asked her to do me a favor a few weeks ago but she could not be bothered, even if it meant I wouldn't be able to watch my son play ball. I did not make a big deal about it but it really chapped my butt. For Christmas I asked for some CDs and a portable pop-up tent to take to the ballfield. I got 1 of the CDs and a tent but the tent was too small so I took it back and it was $30. Regular price. I don't really care about that but if it was only $30 I would have bought it myself. The one I wanted/needed is $80. I thought about using the $30 towards it and spending my own $50 but I don't want to spend $50 on myself right after Christmas. So, I have no tent. My sister got a GPS. WTH??? A GPS? She didn't ask for one which makes it worse. I don't ask for alot but when I do ask for something, there's a reason. Why ask me what I want if you're not going to bother? I'm slowly adding the CDs on my wishlist to my collection. Even tho their only $10/each, I'm really trying to make changes here... nothing is ever going to change if I don't make changes. Ugh.
Last summer I got disturbing news. In addition to a heart murmur, my cholestorol has shot way out of whack. Out of nowhere without any major dietary changes. I'm supposed to be taking precautions and I explain this to my mom when we're trying to pick a location to have lunch. I ask her not to go to Ted's and where does she drive to????????????? Ted's. Then asks me what hamburger am I going to get? Just wondering how many times she's going to slap me in the face before I feel the sting? I am so over this. Just absolutely over it.
Honor thy mother, right? I've tried. I swear I've tried.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Day One: Phase 2
OK, I'll have to chock this day up to a bust... I worked too late, tried to run errands on the way home, got frustrated after 2 different Walmarts & a Dollar Store didn't produce what I set out for, couldn't get the sandwich my husband & I wanted @ one Subway so went to another, bit my kid's head off & tore him a new one for not cooperating, got home after 8:30p, broke my rule of not eating after 7p, munched potato chips with the sandwich, then topped it all off with four (yep, 4!) Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
Ugh.
Disappointed in myself to say the least.
Tomorrow is another day, right?
Ugh.
Disappointed in myself to say the least.
Tomorrow is another day, right?
Day One: what IF?
Awhile back I was quite successful living my life with intention. I was focused and determined and accomplished. It felt great! And it only lasted one week. But still - it was a good week!!!
But here we are in the thick of life (March 15th) - a quarter into the new year & I'm feeling the rut begin. Life, as always, is taking over.
I've thought about getting a diary & using it as a focus notebook - a daily tabulation of what I've checked off my daily to-do-list. These are not goals. These are daily rituals I want to make part of my life: exercise, prayer, gratitude, healthy choices, brain power... I've tried different things - notations in my day planner, tracking on a calendar page... it isn't working! So here, now, maybe a daily journal (another one of my rituals on a the wish list: journal every day!) will work? Let's give it a whirl...
what IF?
This is what I've come up with for my slogan of 2010... Dr. Phil is touting "don't do it again in 2010" and mine kinda falls within this category. What IF things were done differently this year? What IF finances, health & creativity were my focus? What IF self-imposed boundaries were ignored? What IF my 45th year was my best ever??? What IF I lived with Intention and Focus this year? What IF???
My focuses: health (exercise, weight, going organic), organize ('nuff sed), brain power (reading business books, scanning the business headlines every day), spiritual (praying, reading the Bible, counting my blessings), appearance (dressing up every day - hair, make-up, outfits), creative outlets (photography, painting, paper crafts, art, writing) and career/business (what am I going to do when I leave here?).
So let the tracking begin:
Food Diary:
coffee: (3 cups)
water: 1
soda: 1
tea:
breakfast: bowl of frosted mini wheats
snack: 2 (2!) Turtle Chex Mix bars (260 cals, 22g sugar, 52 carbs, 7g fat)
lunch: fiber bar & half a bag of peanuts! WTH????
snack:
dinner:
snack:
Exercise:
Appearance: black slacks, white cami, blue tunic, black loafer heels; hair/make-up/jewelry - check!
Gratitude: my job, my home, Rick & Cal, my mom, Facebook connections, financial situation (could be better, but could be worse - alot worse! - too), my new focus
Prayer Requests: Yvonne Norton re: Windel Norton; Vernon Nix & Son re: Pearl Nix; Steve Timmreck; Matt Mullis; FCHS alum in hospital (?); Beth Powell cuz she just popped into my head
Bible Passage:
Sunday, March 14, 2010
a twist in plans...
OK, 45 is lurking - closer than farther away. I'm sitting her aggravated about my girth, my endless appetite today, my lack of ambition, my lack of progress...
So, starting TOMORROW, I'm going to use this blog to count my blessings, track my food intake, log my (lack of) exercise & set my daily goals... and hope, beyond hope, that I can stay focused and get somewhere.
So, starting TOMORROW, I'm going to use this blog to count my blessings, track my food intake, log my (lack of) exercise & set my daily goals... and hope, beyond hope, that I can stay focused and get somewhere.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
turning in my resignation
Well, here I am again on a vent. This time, instead of resigning from my marriage like in my last post and which I know I need to update on sometime & not leave ya hangin' (are ya hangin'? anybody out there???) - oops, sorry... back to focus: this time, I'm resigning as Sibling/Mom Time Family Planner.
OMGosh, my mother drives me NUTS! She is so hard to please! I wear myself out emotionally and physically trying to make sure she is happy, not inconvenienced and never out of sorts.
Yes, I am 44 years old and STILL she rules the roost. What-ever.
The saddest, yes SADDEST, part, is that we, my sister & I, avoid her like the plague because we just don't have the energy to spend on her anymore. This is so sad! She is completely alone - she's, by her own accord, alienated her only living brother & her parents have died, so all she really has is me, my sister & our children. And we avoid her!!! Isn't that awful? I will go to the extent of NOT telling her when I've taken time off from work because she really believes that I should spend that time with her - and I wouldn't mind if the time would be FUN. But it's not. It's draining & straining and I'd rather sit home alone & watch non-stop CSI on Spike all day. Truly.
So, the latest is Mom's birthday. Now we CANNOT avoid her on her birthday and we know this. So we're doing our best to accommodate her, on her schedule without overly compensating ours, so that we can get together as a family & celebrate her birthday. The sooner the better so we can get it over with. I know that is horrible, but unfortunately, this is our life with Mom.
So I have spent the last 4 days on the phone or on email trying to get Mom, my sister and me on the same page, on the same schedule, on the same plan for what we can do - that is, of course, whatever it is Mom wants to do... which isn't easy because it's like pulling teeth to get her to tell us anything. We're playing a damn guessing game making suggestions then reading her response for clues as to whether this is a good idea or a bad idea because she won't vocalize it. She just answers in the affirmative, very unemotionally or very enthusiastically, regardless of how she really feels. So we have to read her instead of hear her...
So! Yesterday I tapped into a good idea. She was enthusiastic and willing. Get the sis on board and start to map it out. Call Mom today to say "it's a go." And I get silence. Hmmm, this would be one of those negative reads I get because, instead of saying, "no, I don't want to do that," she just gets quiet. So I have to coerce it out of her, which really ticks me off, only to find out she doesn't really want to do what we came up with! So, I get on the horn & let my sister know the plans have, once again, changed and we start anew. Ugh & what-ever.
And as a result, I am now putting together my resignation letter:
Dear Mom and Sis,
I am hereby resigning from my self-assumed role as Family Planner. As you know, I put alot of effort into coordinating our get togethers during a time frame that works for all families. This is not an easy task but I do my best. In the end, we end up doing what one of you wants to do regardless of my ideas, and I am always willing to go along with the new plans, so I've decided it would probably be best if either of you did the planning instead of me.
I think, moving forward, the 2 of you should decide what is best to do and when it is best to do it - if we can join you, we absolutely will be there. I realize this means there will be times we cannot attend and I'm willing to accept that. It is what it is.
My one suggestion is to advise both of you to SPEAK UP and be CLEAR. If there is something you definitely want to do, say so! If there is something you don't want to do, say so. Feelings are more hurt when someone pretends to be interested & the planning begins then if you'd just be honest to begin with. This guessing game, and waiting to hear back, and stalling to avoid committing is ridiculous! We're all adults and it's time we started acting like it.
So, there. I wrote it. Now I just have to get up the nerve to send it.
OMGosh, my mother drives me NUTS! She is so hard to please! I wear myself out emotionally and physically trying to make sure she is happy, not inconvenienced and never out of sorts.
Yes, I am 44 years old and STILL she rules the roost. What-ever.
The saddest, yes SADDEST, part, is that we, my sister & I, avoid her like the plague because we just don't have the energy to spend on her anymore. This is so sad! She is completely alone - she's, by her own accord, alienated her only living brother & her parents have died, so all she really has is me, my sister & our children. And we avoid her!!! Isn't that awful? I will go to the extent of NOT telling her when I've taken time off from work because she really believes that I should spend that time with her - and I wouldn't mind if the time would be FUN. But it's not. It's draining & straining and I'd rather sit home alone & watch non-stop CSI on Spike all day. Truly.
So, the latest is Mom's birthday. Now we CANNOT avoid her on her birthday and we know this. So we're doing our best to accommodate her, on her schedule without overly compensating ours, so that we can get together as a family & celebrate her birthday. The sooner the better so we can get it over with. I know that is horrible, but unfortunately, this is our life with Mom.
So I have spent the last 4 days on the phone or on email trying to get Mom, my sister and me on the same page, on the same schedule, on the same plan for what we can do - that is, of course, whatever it is Mom wants to do... which isn't easy because it's like pulling teeth to get her to tell us anything. We're playing a damn guessing game making suggestions then reading her response for clues as to whether this is a good idea or a bad idea because she won't vocalize it. She just answers in the affirmative, very unemotionally or very enthusiastically, regardless of how she really feels. So we have to read her instead of hear her...
So! Yesterday I tapped into a good idea. She was enthusiastic and willing. Get the sis on board and start to map it out. Call Mom today to say "it's a go." And I get silence. Hmmm, this would be one of those negative reads I get because, instead of saying, "no, I don't want to do that," she just gets quiet. So I have to coerce it out of her, which really ticks me off, only to find out she doesn't really want to do what we came up with! So, I get on the horn & let my sister know the plans have, once again, changed and we start anew. Ugh & what-ever.
And as a result, I am now putting together my resignation letter:
Dear Mom and Sis,
I am hereby resigning from my self-assumed role as Family Planner. As you know, I put alot of effort into coordinating our get togethers during a time frame that works for all families. This is not an easy task but I do my best. In the end, we end up doing what one of you wants to do regardless of my ideas, and I am always willing to go along with the new plans, so I've decided it would probably be best if either of you did the planning instead of me.
I think, moving forward, the 2 of you should decide what is best to do and when it is best to do it - if we can join you, we absolutely will be there. I realize this means there will be times we cannot attend and I'm willing to accept that. It is what it is.
My one suggestion is to advise both of you to SPEAK UP and be CLEAR. If there is something you definitely want to do, say so! If there is something you don't want to do, say so. Feelings are more hurt when someone pretends to be interested & the planning begins then if you'd just be honest to begin with. This guessing game, and waiting to hear back, and stalling to avoid committing is ridiculous! We're all adults and it's time we started acting like it.
So, there. I wrote it. Now I just have to get up the nerve to send it.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Yikes!
Well, this was unexpected... I didn't mean to get to this point so quickly. I've fantasized about doing this, but it was just a fantasy... a daydream... now that I've actually done it, I'm, like, in shock...
OK, what am I talking about??? One of my goals. The marriage one. I had a meltdown today and I fired off an email (despite my emotional state, I was very level headed and clear thinking at the time)... this is what I sent my husband:
If you want to save our marriage, we need counseling and I am not setting it up. This is all on you so you need to decide what you want to do. I am done. I'm not being funny, I'm not kidding around. I don't know when, I don't know how but YOU need to do something to bring us together because I am done and if I stay done much longer there will be no going back and, honestly, I'm not so sure I'm not at that point already. I am so over our joke of a relationship. I know I should be telling you this instead of sending you an email but you don't seem to listen to what I say when I do tell you and you certainly don't notice my feelings when I'm standing right there in front of you. Besides, when was the last time we had a serious, heart-to-heart conversation? I have no idea. I'd rather talk to my friends then share any deep feelings with you. Because I don't think you care and I don't think you listen. I don't even know you anymore. I have no idea what you want out of life , what your dreams are, what your goals are. We're just 2 people living the same house. We're not partners, we're not friends. I've said this for 10 years: we're roommates. When are we going to quit being roommates and be married? I'm tired of living like this & I'm tired of feeling this way. I am not just unhappy - I am EXTREMELY unhappy.
And I hit "send." OMGosh... I have to defend myself because I realize how cowardly this is... but I've too often called him in the throes of a chaotic meltdown and altho I feel better afterwards, it's always just a vent. Things might be OK for a few days but it only lasts a few days and then we're back to wherever we were before my vent. So I didn't want to just go thru that again. I wanted to do something that MIGHT get results. Might get him to take me seriously this time.
Altho I feel TREMENDOUS guilt at doing this by email. He is a nice guy and he means well. He's just oblivious - OBLIVIOUS - to my feelings. He doesn't even see me anymore.
I think, too, I'm a little scared that he'll ponder this and realize he's not any happier than I am and that the reason he doesn't put more effort towards our marriage is because he doesn't want to.
But you know what? Either way it's good, right? If we're both done then we should let this go. As troubled as I am about this, I'm at peace with it, too.
Huh.
OK, what am I talking about??? One of my goals. The marriage one. I had a meltdown today and I fired off an email (despite my emotional state, I was very level headed and clear thinking at the time)... this is what I sent my husband:
If you want to save our marriage, we need counseling and I am not setting it up. This is all on you so you need to decide what you want to do. I am done. I'm not being funny, I'm not kidding around. I don't know when, I don't know how but YOU need to do something to bring us together because I am done and if I stay done much longer there will be no going back and, honestly, I'm not so sure I'm not at that point already. I am so over our joke of a relationship. I know I should be telling you this instead of sending you an email but you don't seem to listen to what I say when I do tell you and you certainly don't notice my feelings when I'm standing right there in front of you. Besides, when was the last time we had a serious, heart-to-heart conversation? I have no idea. I'd rather talk to my friends then share any deep feelings with you. Because I don't think you care and I don't think you listen. I don't even know you anymore. I have no idea what you want out of life , what your dreams are, what your goals are. We're just 2 people living the same house. We're not partners, we're not friends. I've said this for 10 years: we're roommates. When are we going to quit being roommates and be married? I'm tired of living like this & I'm tired of feeling this way. I am not just unhappy - I am EXTREMELY unhappy.
And I hit "send." OMGosh... I have to defend myself because I realize how cowardly this is... but I've too often called him in the throes of a chaotic meltdown and altho I feel better afterwards, it's always just a vent. Things might be OK for a few days but it only lasts a few days and then we're back to wherever we were before my vent. So I didn't want to just go thru that again. I wanted to do something that MIGHT get results. Might get him to take me seriously this time.
Altho I feel TREMENDOUS guilt at doing this by email. He is a nice guy and he means well. He's just oblivious - OBLIVIOUS - to my feelings. He doesn't even see me anymore.
I think, too, I'm a little scared that he'll ponder this and realize he's not any happier than I am and that the reason he doesn't put more effort towards our marriage is because he doesn't want to.
But you know what? Either way it's good, right? If we're both done then we should let this go. As troubled as I am about this, I'm at peace with it, too.
Huh.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Julie & Julia
So... after finally getting this blog going last weekend and deciding this was going to be my inspiration and accountability to make some changes to my chaotic life, I took a GIANT leap that very afternoon (last Friday) & SNUCK OUT to catch "Julie & Julia" @ the 1:35p showing.
In the middle of the work day.
By myself!
Said, "I've got to run out for a bit, I'll be back later" and off I went. It was GREAT!
Well, sneaking out, taking charge of my day/time, feeling empowered and checking something off of my to-do-list was GREAT. The movie? Well, not so much.
First off, let me explain that I would NEVER go see this movie for the entertainment value alone. I had an ulterior motive: I wanted to check out this blogging thing. Otherwise, I would not have wasted my time on this movie. I could tell from the trailers that it wouldn't hold my interest... I am not a cook, I don't aspire to be, I'm not a Julia Child fan or follower and frankly, a movie (or book) about finding yourself by cooking thru a cook book sounds like a complete snoozer to me.
And it was. Except for Meryl Streep as Julia Child... she totally captivated me and sucked me in. I think Julia Child is much more interesting than I ever would have imagined and am very tempted to read her "My Life in France" at some point in time... If this entire movie would have been about Julia Child I probably would have really enjoyed it, although I probably would NOT have gone to see it. As for Julie Powell, the "Julie" of "Julie & Julia" she did nothing for me, altho I think Amy Adams is delightful & I do enjoy her. Julie Powell tho? Whiner. Big time. Wah, wah, wah... At one point her friend agrees when she calls herself a bitch, but I didn't see "the bitch." There was this fight that was so bad her husband left for a few days. I didn't get it. OMGosh she stresses over "deboning a duck." Heck, she boiled live lobsters on her kitchen stove and is freaking out out over deboning a duck? Are you kidding me???
I just didn't get it.
Of course, true to form, I have since done some research on her and learned that she has an affair and writes a 2nd book about it... I don't know. Not really against affairs, but she just seems a little unappreciative, ungrateful and whiney to me. Guess you could say, "I'm not a fan."
But I'm glad I went! It was a great way to spend an afternoon, truly. Am going to scrap about it one day, haha.
In the middle of the work day.
By myself!
Said, "I've got to run out for a bit, I'll be back later" and off I went. It was GREAT!
Well, sneaking out, taking charge of my day/time, feeling empowered and checking something off of my to-do-list was GREAT. The movie? Well, not so much.
First off, let me explain that I would NEVER go see this movie for the entertainment value alone. I had an ulterior motive: I wanted to check out this blogging thing. Otherwise, I would not have wasted my time on this movie. I could tell from the trailers that it wouldn't hold my interest... I am not a cook, I don't aspire to be, I'm not a Julia Child fan or follower and frankly, a movie (or book) about finding yourself by cooking thru a cook book sounds like a complete snoozer to me.
And it was. Except for Meryl Streep as Julia Child... she totally captivated me and sucked me in. I think Julia Child is much more interesting than I ever would have imagined and am very tempted to read her "My Life in France" at some point in time... If this entire movie would have been about Julia Child I probably would have really enjoyed it, although I probably would NOT have gone to see it. As for Julie Powell, the "Julie" of "Julie & Julia" she did nothing for me, altho I think Amy Adams is delightful & I do enjoy her. Julie Powell tho? Whiner. Big time. Wah, wah, wah... At one point her friend agrees when she calls herself a bitch, but I didn't see "the bitch." There was this fight that was so bad her husband left for a few days. I didn't get it. OMGosh she stresses over "deboning a duck." Heck, she boiled live lobsters on her kitchen stove and is freaking out out over deboning a duck? Are you kidding me???
I just didn't get it.
Of course, true to form, I have since done some research on her and learned that she has an affair and writes a 2nd book about it... I don't know. Not really against affairs, but she just seems a little unappreciative, ungrateful and whiney to me. Guess you could say, "I'm not a fan."
But I'm glad I went! It was a great way to spend an afternoon, truly. Am going to scrap about it one day, haha.
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