Ok... maybe I've really done it this time and maybe I don't care. Maybe. We'll see how this plays out. I unfriended my mom on Facebook. Very liberating but worrisome because she really takes things to an extreme. If I thought it would do me any good whatsoever to talk my issues out with her, I would try. But the reality is my mom does not take criticism well (who does, right?) and she doesn't believe any of it anyway. She always has a justification for her behavior (I know, we all do) but when you point out the problems, she refuses to acknowledge any role she's played in a misunderstanding, a misinterpretation, a miscommunication... everyone else is always wrong, she is always right. And her attitude is "it is what it is, I am what I am and so be it."
Well, good for her. I wish I could be so callous and not give a damn, not apologize - ever - for who I am, EVER, especially when I'm wrong. I wish I was so confident in the value of me to others that I believed I could and should treat them however I please without consequence. But I'm not. And somehow SHE raised me this way - with a sensitive side and a caring heart. If I didn't have either, I'd probably have dumped her ass a long time ago.
This is a year of change for me: Revolution 45. It has finally sunk into my thick skull that I can't do the same thing over and over and expect different results. This has got to be the year for change or it will just be a repeat of the past 25. I am so ready to be who I've always meant for me to be and I'm finally taking steps towards that. I cringe at the thought of all the years wasted and the fact that I'm spiraling towards it being too late. (Please, no "45 is not old" or "age is a number not a state of mind." I know all that! But the truth is, in society, I'm being written off. I've become invisible and am not "eligible" for certain things anymore. What-the-fuck-ever. My child-bearing years are, sadly, behind me, sans a miracle and even then its a precarious situation. Bottom line is turning 45 sucks. It just sucks. It's the beginning of the end and I haven't made the best of my life so far, I've only flittered thru. I don't want to flitter anymore. I want to knock the hell out of whatever is left. I'm ready to roll.)
So, chock one up for Soda for taking a stand. Right now a secret stand because I have no idea if she realizes it or will even ask me when she does realize it. Right now I'm OK w/my decision and believe I'm going to stick to my guns. I've unfriended her because I'm tired of her snide comments to other people that I don't have time for her anymore "because I'm busy w/my farm." Fuck her. Ever since my sister split with her husband - something my mom has been pressing her to do for years - and now lives in her neighborhood, she has not called me except for Easter Sunday. Then, when I asked her what she wanted me to do about us getting together for Easter, she didn't have an answer but called my sister after we got off the phone & invited her & the kids out to lunch. B*tch. Asked her to do me a favor a few weeks ago but she could not be bothered, even if it meant I wouldn't be able to watch my son play ball. I did not make a big deal about it but it really chapped my butt. For Christmas I asked for some CDs and a portable pop-up tent to take to the ballfield. I got 1 of the CDs and a tent but the tent was too small so I took it back and it was $30. Regular price. I don't really care about that but if it was only $30 I would have bought it myself. The one I wanted/needed is $80. I thought about using the $30 towards it and spending my own $50 but I don't want to spend $50 on myself right after Christmas. So, I have no tent. My sister got a GPS. WTH??? A GPS? She didn't ask for one which makes it worse. I don't ask for alot but when I do ask for something, there's a reason. Why ask me what I want if you're not going to bother? I'm slowly adding the CDs on my wishlist to my collection. Even tho their only $10/each, I'm really trying to make changes here... nothing is ever going to change if I don't make changes. Ugh.
Last summer I got disturbing news. In addition to a heart murmur, my cholestorol has shot way out of whack. Out of nowhere without any major dietary changes. I'm supposed to be taking precautions and I explain this to my mom when we're trying to pick a location to have lunch. I ask her not to go to Ted's and where does she drive to????????????? Ted's. Then asks me what hamburger am I going to get? Just wondering how many times she's going to slap me in the face before I feel the sting? I am so over this. Just absolutely over it.
Honor thy mother, right? I've tried. I swear I've tried.
