Chock one up for Soda?

Ok...  maybe I've really done it this time and maybe I don't care.  Maybe.  We'll see how this plays out.  I unfriended my mom on Facebook.  Very liberating but worrisome because she really takes things to an extreme.  If I thought it would do me any good whatsoever to talk my issues out with her, I would try.  But the reality is my mom does not take criticism well (who does, right?) and she doesn't believe any of it anyway.  She always has a justification for her behavior (I know, we all do) but when you point out the problems, she refuses to acknowledge any role she's played in a misunderstanding, a misinterpretation, a miscommunication...  everyone else is always wrong, she is always right.  And her attitude is "it is what it is, I am what I am and so be it."

Well, good for her.  I wish I could be so callous and not give a damn, not apologize - ever - for who I am, EVER, especially when I'm wrong.  I wish I was so confident in the value of me to others that I believed I could and should treat them however I please without consequence.  But I'm not.  And somehow SHE raised me this way - with a sensitive side and a caring heart.  If I didn't have either, I'd probably have dumped her ass a long time ago.

This is a year of change for me: Revolution 45.  It has finally sunk into my thick skull that I can't do the same thing over and over and expect different results.  This has got to be the year for change or it will just be a repeat of the past 25.  I am so ready to be who I've always meant for me to be and I'm finally taking steps towards that.  I cringe at the thought of all the years wasted and the fact that I'm spiraling towards it being too late.  (Please, no "45 is not old" or "age is a number not a state of mind."  I know all that!  But the truth is, in society, I'm being written off.  I've become invisible and am not "eligible" for certain things anymore.  What-the-fuck-ever.  My child-bearing years are, sadly, behind me, sans a miracle and even then its a precarious situation.  Bottom line is turning 45 sucks.  It just sucks.  It's the beginning of the end and I haven't made the best of my life so far, I've only flittered thru.  I don't want to flitter anymore.  I want to knock the hell out of whatever is left.  I'm ready to roll.)

So, chock one up for Soda for taking a stand.  Right now a secret stand because I have no idea if she realizes it or will even ask me when she does realize it.  Right now I'm OK w/my decision and believe I'm going to stick to my guns.  I've unfriended her because I'm tired of her snide comments to other people that I don't have time for her anymore "because I'm busy w/my farm."  Fuck her.  Ever since my sister split with her husband - something my mom has been pressing her to do for years - and now lives in her neighborhood, she has not called me except for Easter Sunday.  Then, when I asked her what she wanted me to do about us getting together for Easter, she didn't have an answer but called my sister after we got off the phone & invited her & the kids out to lunch.  B*tch.  Asked her to do me a favor a few weeks ago but she could not be bothered, even if it meant I wouldn't be able to watch my son play ball.  I did not make a big deal about it but it really chapped my butt.  For Christmas I asked for some CDs and a portable pop-up tent to take to the ballfield.  I got 1 of the CDs and a tent but the tent was too small so I took it back and it was $30.  Regular price.  I don't really care about that but if it was only $30 I would have bought it myself.  The one I wanted/needed is $80.  I thought about using the $30 towards it and spending my own $50 but I don't want to spend $50 on myself right after Christmas.  So, I have no tent.  My sister got a GPS.  WTH???  A GPS?  She didn't ask for one which makes it worse.  I don't ask for alot but when I do ask for something, there's a reason.  Why ask me what I want if you're not going to bother?  I'm slowly adding the CDs on my wishlist to my collection.  Even tho their only $10/each, I'm really trying to make changes here...  nothing is ever going to change if I don't make changes.  Ugh.

Last summer I got disturbing news.  In addition to a heart murmur, my cholestorol has shot way out of whack.  Out of nowhere without any major dietary changes.  I'm supposed to be taking precautions and I explain this to my mom when we're trying to pick a location to have lunch.  I ask her not to go to Ted's and where does she drive to?????????????  Ted's.  Then asks me what hamburger am I going to get?  Just wondering how many times she's going to slap me in the face before I feel the sting?  I am so over this.  Just absolutely over it.

Honor thy mother, right?  I've tried.  I swear I've tried.

Day One: Phase 2

OK, I'll have to chock this day up to a bust...  I worked too late, tried to run errands on the way home, got frustrated after 2 different Walmarts & a Dollar Store didn't produce what I set out for, couldn't get the sandwich my husband & I wanted @ one Subway so went to another, bit my kid's head off & tore him a new one for not cooperating, got home after 8:30p, broke my rule of not eating after 7p, munched potato chips with the sandwich, then topped it all off with four (yep, 4!) Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

Ugh.

Disappointed in myself to say the least.

Tomorrow is another day, right?

Day One: what IF?

Awhile back I was quite successful living my life with intention. I was focused and determined and accomplished. It felt great! And it only lasted one week. But still - it was a good week!!!

But here we are in the thick of life (March 15th) - a quarter into the new year & I'm feeling the rut begin. Life, as always, is taking over.

I've thought about getting a diary & using it as a focus notebook - a daily tabulation of what I've checked off my daily to-do-list. These are not goals. These are daily rituals I want to make part of my life: exercise, prayer, gratitude, healthy choices, brain power... I've tried different things - notations in my day planner, tracking on a calendar page... it isn't working! So here, now, maybe a daily journal (another one of my rituals on a the wish list: journal every day!) will work? Let's give it a whirl...

what IF?

This is what I've come up with for my slogan of 2010... Dr. Phil is touting "don't do it again in 2010" and mine kinda falls within this category. What IF things were done differently this year? What IF finances, health & creativity were my focus? What IF self-imposed boundaries were ignored? What IF my 45th year was my best ever??? What IF I lived with Intention and Focus this year? What IF???

My focuses: health (exercise, weight, going organic), organize ('nuff sed), brain power (reading business books, scanning the business headlines every day), spiritual (praying, reading the Bible, counting my blessings), appearance (dressing up every day - hair, make-up, outfits), creative outlets (photography, painting, paper crafts, art, writing) and career/business (what am I going to do when I leave here?).

So let the tracking begin:

Food Diary:
coffee: (3 cups)
water:  1
soda:  1
tea:
breakfast: bowl of frosted mini wheats
snack: 2 (2!) Turtle Chex Mix bars (260 cals, 22g sugar, 52 carbs, 7g fat)
lunch:  fiber bar & half a bag of peanuts!  WTH????
snack:
dinner:
snack:

Exercise:

Appearance: black slacks, white cami, blue tunic, black loafer heels; hair/make-up/jewelry - check!

Gratitude: my job, my home, Rick & Cal, my mom, Facebook connections, financial situation (could be better, but could be worse - alot worse! - too), my new focus

Prayer Requests: Yvonne Norton re: Windel Norton; Vernon Nix & Son re: Pearl Nix; Steve Timmreck; Matt Mullis; FCHS alum in hospital (?); Beth Powell cuz she just popped into my head

Bible Passage:

a twist in plans...

OK, 45 is lurking - closer than farther away. I'm sitting her aggravated about my girth, my endless appetite today, my lack of ambition, my lack of progress...

So, starting TOMORROW, I'm going to use this blog to count my blessings, track my food intake, log my (lack of) exercise & set my daily goals... and hope, beyond hope, that I can stay focused and get somewhere.