Chock one up for Soda?

Ok...  maybe I've really done it this time and maybe I don't care.  Maybe.  We'll see how this plays out.  I unfriended my mom on Facebook.  Very liberating but worrisome because she really takes things to an extreme.  If I thought it would do me any good whatsoever to talk my issues out with her, I would try.  But the reality is my mom does not take criticism well (who does, right?) and she doesn't believe any of it anyway.  She always has a justification for her behavior (I know, we all do) but when you point out the problems, she refuses to acknowledge any role she's played in a misunderstanding, a misinterpretation, a miscommunication...  everyone else is always wrong, she is always right.  And her attitude is "it is what it is, I am what I am and so be it."

Well, good for her.  I wish I could be so callous and not give a damn, not apologize - ever - for who I am, EVER, especially when I'm wrong.  I wish I was so confident in the value of me to others that I believed I could and should treat them however I please without consequence.  But I'm not.  And somehow SHE raised me this way - with a sensitive side and a caring heart.  If I didn't have either, I'd probably have dumped her ass a long time ago.

This is a year of change for me: Revolution 45.  It has finally sunk into my thick skull that I can't do the same thing over and over and expect different results.  This has got to be the year for change or it will just be a repeat of the past 25.  I am so ready to be who I've always meant for me to be and I'm finally taking steps towards that.  I cringe at the thought of all the years wasted and the fact that I'm spiraling towards it being too late.  (Please, no "45 is not old" or "age is a number not a state of mind."  I know all that!  But the truth is, in society, I'm being written off.  I've become invisible and am not "eligible" for certain things anymore.  What-the-fuck-ever.  My child-bearing years are, sadly, behind me, sans a miracle and even then its a precarious situation.  Bottom line is turning 45 sucks.  It just sucks.  It's the beginning of the end and I haven't made the best of my life so far, I've only flittered thru.  I don't want to flitter anymore.  I want to knock the hell out of whatever is left.  I'm ready to roll.)

So, chock one up for Soda for taking a stand.  Right now a secret stand because I have no idea if she realizes it or will even ask me when she does realize it.  Right now I'm OK w/my decision and believe I'm going to stick to my guns.  I've unfriended her because I'm tired of her snide comments to other people that I don't have time for her anymore "because I'm busy w/my farm."  Fuck her.  Ever since my sister split with her husband - something my mom has been pressing her to do for years - and now lives in her neighborhood, she has not called me except for Easter Sunday.  Then, when I asked her what she wanted me to do about us getting together for Easter, she didn't have an answer but called my sister after we got off the phone & invited her & the kids out to lunch.  B*tch.  Asked her to do me a favor a few weeks ago but she could not be bothered, even if it meant I wouldn't be able to watch my son play ball.  I did not make a big deal about it but it really chapped my butt.  For Christmas I asked for some CDs and a portable pop-up tent to take to the ballfield.  I got 1 of the CDs and a tent but the tent was too small so I took it back and it was $30.  Regular price.  I don't really care about that but if it was only $30 I would have bought it myself.  The one I wanted/needed is $80.  I thought about using the $30 towards it and spending my own $50 but I don't want to spend $50 on myself right after Christmas.  So, I have no tent.  My sister got a GPS.  WTH???  A GPS?  She didn't ask for one which makes it worse.  I don't ask for alot but when I do ask for something, there's a reason.  Why ask me what I want if you're not going to bother?  I'm slowly adding the CDs on my wishlist to my collection.  Even tho their only $10/each, I'm really trying to make changes here...  nothing is ever going to change if I don't make changes.  Ugh.

Last summer I got disturbing news.  In addition to a heart murmur, my cholestorol has shot way out of whack.  Out of nowhere without any major dietary changes.  I'm supposed to be taking precautions and I explain this to my mom when we're trying to pick a location to have lunch.  I ask her not to go to Ted's and where does she drive to?????????????  Ted's.  Then asks me what hamburger am I going to get?  Just wondering how many times she's going to slap me in the face before I feel the sting?  I am so over this.  Just absolutely over it.

Honor thy mother, right?  I've tried.  I swear I've tried.