Well, here I am again on a vent. This time, instead of resigning from my marriage like in my last post and which I know I need to update on sometime & not leave ya hangin' (are ya hangin'? anybody out there???) - oops, sorry... back to focus: this time, I'm resigning as Sibling/Mom Time Family Planner.
OMGosh, my mother drives me NUTS! She is so hard to please! I wear myself out emotionally and physically trying to make sure she is happy, not inconvenienced and never out of sorts.
Yes, I am 44 years old and STILL she rules the roost. What-ever.
The saddest, yes SADDEST, part, is that we, my sister & I, avoid her like the plague because we just don't have the energy to spend on her anymore. This is so sad! She is completely alone - she's, by her own accord, alienated her only living brother & her parents have died, so all she really has is me, my sister & our children. And we avoid her!!! Isn't that awful? I will go to the extent of NOT telling her when I've taken time off from work because she really believes that I should spend that time with her - and I wouldn't mind if the time would be FUN. But it's not. It's draining & straining and I'd rather sit home alone & watch non-stop CSI on Spike all day. Truly.
So, the latest is Mom's birthday. Now we CANNOT avoid her on her birthday and we know this. So we're doing our best to accommodate her, on her schedule without overly compensating ours, so that we can get together as a family & celebrate her birthday. The sooner the better so we can get it over with. I know that is horrible, but unfortunately, this is our life with Mom.
So I have spent the last 4 days on the phone or on email trying to get Mom, my sister and me on the same page, on the same schedule, on the same plan for what we can do - that is, of course, whatever it is Mom wants to do... which isn't easy because it's like pulling teeth to get her to tell us anything. We're playing a damn guessing game making suggestions then reading her response for clues as to whether this is a good idea or a bad idea because she won't vocalize it. She just answers in the affirmative, very unemotionally or very enthusiastically, regardless of how she really feels. So we have to read her instead of hear her...
So! Yesterday I tapped into a good idea. She was enthusiastic and willing. Get the sis on board and start to map it out. Call Mom today to say "it's a go." And I get silence. Hmmm, this would be one of those negative reads I get because, instead of saying, "no, I don't want to do that," she just gets quiet. So I have to coerce it out of her, which really ticks me off, only to find out she doesn't really want to do what we came up with! So, I get on the horn & let my sister know the plans have, once again, changed and we start anew. Ugh & what-ever.
And as a result, I am now putting together my resignation letter:
Dear Mom and Sis,
I am hereby resigning from my self-assumed role as Family Planner. As you know, I put alot of effort into coordinating our get togethers during a time frame that works for all families. This is not an easy task but I do my best. In the end, we end up doing what one of you wants to do regardless of my ideas, and I am always willing to go along with the new plans, so I've decided it would probably be best if either of you did the planning instead of me.
I think, moving forward, the 2 of you should decide what is best to do and when it is best to do it - if we can join you, we absolutely will be there. I realize this means there will be times we cannot attend and I'm willing to accept that. It is what it is.
My one suggestion is to advise both of you to SPEAK UP and be CLEAR. If there is something you definitely want to do, say so! If there is something you don't want to do, say so. Feelings are more hurt when someone pretends to be interested & the planning begins then if you'd just be honest to begin with. This guessing game, and waiting to hear back, and stalling to avoid committing is ridiculous! We're all adults and it's time we started acting like it.
So, there. I wrote it. Now I just have to get up the nerve to send it.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Yikes!
Well, this was unexpected... I didn't mean to get to this point so quickly. I've fantasized about doing this, but it was just a fantasy... a daydream... now that I've actually done it, I'm, like, in shock...
OK, what am I talking about??? One of my goals. The marriage one. I had a meltdown today and I fired off an email (despite my emotional state, I was very level headed and clear thinking at the time)... this is what I sent my husband:
If you want to save our marriage, we need counseling and I am not setting it up. This is all on you so you need to decide what you want to do. I am done. I'm not being funny, I'm not kidding around. I don't know when, I don't know how but YOU need to do something to bring us together because I am done and if I stay done much longer there will be no going back and, honestly, I'm not so sure I'm not at that point already. I am so over our joke of a relationship. I know I should be telling you this instead of sending you an email but you don't seem to listen to what I say when I do tell you and you certainly don't notice my feelings when I'm standing right there in front of you. Besides, when was the last time we had a serious, heart-to-heart conversation? I have no idea. I'd rather talk to my friends then share any deep feelings with you. Because I don't think you care and I don't think you listen. I don't even know you anymore. I have no idea what you want out of life , what your dreams are, what your goals are. We're just 2 people living the same house. We're not partners, we're not friends. I've said this for 10 years: we're roommates. When are we going to quit being roommates and be married? I'm tired of living like this & I'm tired of feeling this way. I am not just unhappy - I am EXTREMELY unhappy.
And I hit "send." OMGosh... I have to defend myself because I realize how cowardly this is... but I've too often called him in the throes of a chaotic meltdown and altho I feel better afterwards, it's always just a vent. Things might be OK for a few days but it only lasts a few days and then we're back to wherever we were before my vent. So I didn't want to just go thru that again. I wanted to do something that MIGHT get results. Might get him to take me seriously this time.
Altho I feel TREMENDOUS guilt at doing this by email. He is a nice guy and he means well. He's just oblivious - OBLIVIOUS - to my feelings. He doesn't even see me anymore.
I think, too, I'm a little scared that he'll ponder this and realize he's not any happier than I am and that the reason he doesn't put more effort towards our marriage is because he doesn't want to.
But you know what? Either way it's good, right? If we're both done then we should let this go. As troubled as I am about this, I'm at peace with it, too.
Huh.
OK, what am I talking about??? One of my goals. The marriage one. I had a meltdown today and I fired off an email (despite my emotional state, I was very level headed and clear thinking at the time)... this is what I sent my husband:
If you want to save our marriage, we need counseling and I am not setting it up. This is all on you so you need to decide what you want to do. I am done. I'm not being funny, I'm not kidding around. I don't know when, I don't know how but YOU need to do something to bring us together because I am done and if I stay done much longer there will be no going back and, honestly, I'm not so sure I'm not at that point already. I am so over our joke of a relationship. I know I should be telling you this instead of sending you an email but you don't seem to listen to what I say when I do tell you and you certainly don't notice my feelings when I'm standing right there in front of you. Besides, when was the last time we had a serious, heart-to-heart conversation? I have no idea. I'd rather talk to my friends then share any deep feelings with you. Because I don't think you care and I don't think you listen. I don't even know you anymore. I have no idea what you want out of life , what your dreams are, what your goals are. We're just 2 people living the same house. We're not partners, we're not friends. I've said this for 10 years: we're roommates. When are we going to quit being roommates and be married? I'm tired of living like this & I'm tired of feeling this way. I am not just unhappy - I am EXTREMELY unhappy.
And I hit "send." OMGosh... I have to defend myself because I realize how cowardly this is... but I've too often called him in the throes of a chaotic meltdown and altho I feel better afterwards, it's always just a vent. Things might be OK for a few days but it only lasts a few days and then we're back to wherever we were before my vent. So I didn't want to just go thru that again. I wanted to do something that MIGHT get results. Might get him to take me seriously this time.
Altho I feel TREMENDOUS guilt at doing this by email. He is a nice guy and he means well. He's just oblivious - OBLIVIOUS - to my feelings. He doesn't even see me anymore.
I think, too, I'm a little scared that he'll ponder this and realize he's not any happier than I am and that the reason he doesn't put more effort towards our marriage is because he doesn't want to.
But you know what? Either way it's good, right? If we're both done then we should let this go. As troubled as I am about this, I'm at peace with it, too.
Huh.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Julie & Julia
So... after finally getting this blog going last weekend and deciding this was going to be my inspiration and accountability to make some changes to my chaotic life, I took a GIANT leap that very afternoon (last Friday) & SNUCK OUT to catch "Julie & Julia" @ the 1:35p showing.
In the middle of the work day.
By myself!
Said, "I've got to run out for a bit, I'll be back later" and off I went. It was GREAT!
Well, sneaking out, taking charge of my day/time, feeling empowered and checking something off of my to-do-list was GREAT. The movie? Well, not so much.
First off, let me explain that I would NEVER go see this movie for the entertainment value alone. I had an ulterior motive: I wanted to check out this blogging thing. Otherwise, I would not have wasted my time on this movie. I could tell from the trailers that it wouldn't hold my interest... I am not a cook, I don't aspire to be, I'm not a Julia Child fan or follower and frankly, a movie (or book) about finding yourself by cooking thru a cook book sounds like a complete snoozer to me.
And it was. Except for Meryl Streep as Julia Child... she totally captivated me and sucked me in. I think Julia Child is much more interesting than I ever would have imagined and am very tempted to read her "My Life in France" at some point in time... If this entire movie would have been about Julia Child I probably would have really enjoyed it, although I probably would NOT have gone to see it. As for Julie Powell, the "Julie" of "Julie & Julia" she did nothing for me, altho I think Amy Adams is delightful & I do enjoy her. Julie Powell tho? Whiner. Big time. Wah, wah, wah... At one point her friend agrees when she calls herself a bitch, but I didn't see "the bitch." There was this fight that was so bad her husband left for a few days. I didn't get it. OMGosh she stresses over "deboning a duck." Heck, she boiled live lobsters on her kitchen stove and is freaking out out over deboning a duck? Are you kidding me???
I just didn't get it.
Of course, true to form, I have since done some research on her and learned that she has an affair and writes a 2nd book about it... I don't know. Not really against affairs, but she just seems a little unappreciative, ungrateful and whiney to me. Guess you could say, "I'm not a fan."
But I'm glad I went! It was a great way to spend an afternoon, truly. Am going to scrap about it one day, haha.
In the middle of the work day.
By myself!
Said, "I've got to run out for a bit, I'll be back later" and off I went. It was GREAT!
Well, sneaking out, taking charge of my day/time, feeling empowered and checking something off of my to-do-list was GREAT. The movie? Well, not so much.
First off, let me explain that I would NEVER go see this movie for the entertainment value alone. I had an ulterior motive: I wanted to check out this blogging thing. Otherwise, I would not have wasted my time on this movie. I could tell from the trailers that it wouldn't hold my interest... I am not a cook, I don't aspire to be, I'm not a Julia Child fan or follower and frankly, a movie (or book) about finding yourself by cooking thru a cook book sounds like a complete snoozer to me.
And it was. Except for Meryl Streep as Julia Child... she totally captivated me and sucked me in. I think Julia Child is much more interesting than I ever would have imagined and am very tempted to read her "My Life in France" at some point in time... If this entire movie would have been about Julia Child I probably would have really enjoyed it, although I probably would NOT have gone to see it. As for Julie Powell, the "Julie" of "Julie & Julia" she did nothing for me, altho I think Amy Adams is delightful & I do enjoy her. Julie Powell tho? Whiner. Big time. Wah, wah, wah... At one point her friend agrees when she calls herself a bitch, but I didn't see "the bitch." There was this fight that was so bad her husband left for a few days. I didn't get it. OMGosh she stresses over "deboning a duck." Heck, she boiled live lobsters on her kitchen stove and is freaking out out over deboning a duck? Are you kidding me???
I just didn't get it.
Of course, true to form, I have since done some research on her and learned that she has an affair and writes a 2nd book about it... I don't know. Not really against affairs, but she just seems a little unappreciative, ungrateful and whiney to me. Guess you could say, "I'm not a fan."
But I'm glad I went! It was a great way to spend an afternoon, truly. Am going to scrap about it one day, haha.
Friday, August 7, 2009
I'm here! Finally...
Going thru a lot right now. Wanting and needing to get my head together. With Julie & Julia coming out today, I'm prompted to start a blog about all this. Why Julie & Julia? There is one line in the trailer I've seen where Julie tells her husband her idea to "cook her way thru the Julia Child cookbook & write a blog about it." Lightbulb moment: Hmmm... I decided maybe a blog about my journey thru Chaos would give me the motivation and inspiration to actually make progress instead of just think about someday making progress. If a blog helps Julie find her way, maybe a blog will help Soda find hers??? It's worth a freakin' shot, Amigos. Don't you think???
So... I realize I have to be completely honest here, which sucks but it won't work any other way. I have to lay it all out and can't hold anything back. Scary stuff!!! So... here goes:
I'm fat, old, grumpy and my mother dresses me funny. Haha, just kidding... well, kidding about some of it... most of it??? Seriously (I get so freakin' silly sometimes!) here's my deal: I'm in my 40s and starting to feel my age. I'm realizing I'm showing it, too, which totally ticks me off! I need to spend more time caring for myself - skin care, make-up, hairstyle, weight & exercise, healthy choices and clothing/personal style. I'm past my prime - I really am. When I think about things, I realize I'm on the cusp of being too old for that. What the hell happened??? When did I get middle aged??? When I was in my 20s - and I kid you not, I was in my 20s and thought of this which should have been a lightbulb moment but it was NOT for some strange, freakin' reason - I wrote this line down (because I was going to be a novelist. Ha!):
"I always meant to do something with my life but never quite got around to it."
Damn good line, would you not say??? If that's what I thought & felt @ 25, what the heck am I feeling & thinking now??? Gee-freakin'-whiz.
OK: I'm 44, 5'6, 170lbs and a size 12. I want to be 44, 5'6, 130lbs and a size 5. I can do it, I know I can, even tho I haven't done it yet. Hoping this blog gets me there...
I'm a shopaholic and want to STOP. It's therapy to me, but at the same time I hate it. I have made great progress in recent years but still have some work to do. I am more driven then ever now because I've decided I want to quit my job. I've been listening to Dave Ramsey's broadcasts almost every work day on the commute home since October 2007... I've got 2 of his books (the justifiable shopaholic @ her best!) but haven't read either yet. It's on the to-do-list (the never ending to-do-list). The radio broadcasts help, truly they do, but I want to take this to the next level. I want to live like nobody else so we can live like nobody else. Am having trouble with the husband getting on board (WTH?) but part of this blog is going to be working on that. And even tho Dave says we have to do it as a couple, I just may very well have to do this alone. And I have a plan for that so I'm ready. Starting... to-morrow. Right after I check out the 40% off sale @ Joann's, use my 40% off coupons (2) at Michael's, swing by Marshall's to get these 2 cute notebooks I saw but didn't buy & haven't stopped thinking about yet, and pick up these really cute Livestrong Nike's I saw @ Dick's last weekend, which will require me to take up running, but I'm OK w/that because I need to exercise, remember??? So, it's all good! Oh, yeah, one more thing... might look for a cute bag/tote that I don't need... So, when that's all done, I can start my "live like nobody else plan." Right? Right!
Continuing: Job woes, I have them... great job, nice title, good income but not so good for the "me" in Me. Work too much, leaving not enough time for family & home life. I don't want to quit working completely - I know myself well enough to recognize being a worker is better for me. I just want a normal 9-5 job that doesn't follow me home @ night, or on the weekends, and gives me more time to develop myself creatively & spiritually AND allows time to be a mom, a wife and a home-maker. We have a wonderful home but I don't enjoy it. When I'm there, I'm sacked on the couch chastising myself for being lazy & unmotivated, with the remote in one hand & the blackberry in the other just in-case I'm being summoned for work detail. Ugh.
Continuing: My marriage is not ideal. :( There is a saying that women marry a man just like good ol' dad. I didn't think I had done that when I got married. My husband is nothing like my dad. My dad was cruel and abusive, my husband is definitely not. He's a great guy and a good provider, neither of which my dad was... HOWEVER, I do recognize a few similiarities... they both are unaffectionate, selfish in their wants & decisions and stick-in-the-mud-homebodies. So, in that sense, I did marry a man just like good ol' dad. Ggggrrr! I hate being stereotypical! Can I live with it? I hope so... Am I willing to work on it? Yes, I am. But not forever and not without something giving on his end. So. I've got some heart & soul searching to do, for sure.
So! There you have it, Blog Land. One messed up, yet normal (IMHO) middle-ager trying to figure it all out & find the golden brick path to the twilight years. Wish me luck!!!
P.S. I write "so" alot. And I cuss. And I go off on tangents. And I make no apologies. I is what I is and that's all that I is. :P
So... I realize I have to be completely honest here, which sucks but it won't work any other way. I have to lay it all out and can't hold anything back. Scary stuff!!! So... here goes:
I'm fat, old, grumpy and my mother dresses me funny. Haha, just kidding... well, kidding about some of it... most of it??? Seriously (I get so freakin' silly sometimes!) here's my deal: I'm in my 40s and starting to feel my age. I'm realizing I'm showing it, too, which totally ticks me off! I need to spend more time caring for myself - skin care, make-up, hairstyle, weight & exercise, healthy choices and clothing/personal style. I'm past my prime - I really am. When I think about things, I realize I'm on the cusp of being too old for that. What the hell happened??? When did I get middle aged??? When I was in my 20s - and I kid you not, I was in my 20s and thought of this which should have been a lightbulb moment but it was NOT for some strange, freakin' reason - I wrote this line down (because I was going to be a novelist. Ha!):
"I always meant to do something with my life but never quite got around to it."
Damn good line, would you not say??? If that's what I thought & felt @ 25, what the heck am I feeling & thinking now??? Gee-freakin'-whiz.
OK: I'm 44, 5'6, 170lbs and a size 12. I want to be 44, 5'6, 130lbs and a size 5. I can do it, I know I can, even tho I haven't done it yet. Hoping this blog gets me there...
I'm a shopaholic and want to STOP. It's therapy to me, but at the same time I hate it. I have made great progress in recent years but still have some work to do. I am more driven then ever now because I've decided I want to quit my job. I've been listening to Dave Ramsey's broadcasts almost every work day on the commute home since October 2007... I've got 2 of his books (the justifiable shopaholic @ her best!) but haven't read either yet. It's on the to-do-list (the never ending to-do-list). The radio broadcasts help, truly they do, but I want to take this to the next level. I want to live like nobody else so we can live like nobody else. Am having trouble with the husband getting on board (WTH?) but part of this blog is going to be working on that. And even tho Dave says we have to do it as a couple, I just may very well have to do this alone. And I have a plan for that so I'm ready. Starting... to-morrow. Right after I check out the 40% off sale @ Joann's, use my 40% off coupons (2) at Michael's, swing by Marshall's to get these 2 cute notebooks I saw but didn't buy & haven't stopped thinking about yet, and pick up these really cute Livestrong Nike's I saw @ Dick's last weekend, which will require me to take up running, but I'm OK w/that because I need to exercise, remember??? So, it's all good! Oh, yeah, one more thing... might look for a cute bag/tote that I don't need... So, when that's all done, I can start my "live like nobody else plan." Right? Right!
Continuing: Job woes, I have them... great job, nice title, good income but not so good for the "me" in Me. Work too much, leaving not enough time for family & home life. I don't want to quit working completely - I know myself well enough to recognize being a worker is better for me. I just want a normal 9-5 job that doesn't follow me home @ night, or on the weekends, and gives me more time to develop myself creatively & spiritually AND allows time to be a mom, a wife and a home-maker. We have a wonderful home but I don't enjoy it. When I'm there, I'm sacked on the couch chastising myself for being lazy & unmotivated, with the remote in one hand & the blackberry in the other just in-case I'm being summoned for work detail. Ugh.
Continuing: My marriage is not ideal. :( There is a saying that women marry a man just like good ol' dad. I didn't think I had done that when I got married. My husband is nothing like my dad. My dad was cruel and abusive, my husband is definitely not. He's a great guy and a good provider, neither of which my dad was... HOWEVER, I do recognize a few similiarities... they both are unaffectionate, selfish in their wants & decisions and stick-in-the-mud-homebodies. So, in that sense, I did marry a man just like good ol' dad. Ggggrrr! I hate being stereotypical! Can I live with it? I hope so... Am I willing to work on it? Yes, I am. But not forever and not without something giving on his end. So. I've got some heart & soul searching to do, for sure.
So! There you have it, Blog Land. One messed up, yet normal (IMHO) middle-ager trying to figure it all out & find the golden brick path to the twilight years. Wish me luck!!!
P.S. I write "so" alot. And I cuss. And I go off on tangents. And I make no apologies. I is what I is and that's all that I is. :P
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