Going thru a lot right now. Wanting and needing to get my head together. With Julie & Julia coming out today, I'm prompted to start a blog about all this. Why Julie & Julia? There is one line in the trailer I've seen where Julie tells her husband her idea to "cook her way thru the Julia Child cookbook & write a blog about it." Lightbulb moment: Hmmm... I decided maybe a blog about my journey thru Chaos would give me the motivation and inspiration to actually make progress instead of just think about someday making progress. If a blog helps Julie find her way, maybe a blog will help Soda find hers??? It's worth a freakin' shot, Amigos. Don't you think???
So... I realize I have to be completely honest here, which sucks but it won't work any other way. I have to lay it all out and can't hold anything back. Scary stuff!!! So... here goes:
I'm fat, old, grumpy and my mother dresses me funny. Haha, just kidding... well, kidding about some of it... most of it??? Seriously (I get so freakin' silly sometimes!) here's my deal: I'm in my 40s and starting to feel my age. I'm realizing I'm showing it, too, which totally ticks me off! I need to spend more time caring for myself - skin care, make-up, hairstyle, weight & exercise, healthy choices and clothing/personal style. I'm past my prime - I really am. When I think about things, I realize I'm on the cusp of being too old for that. What the hell happened??? When did I get middle aged??? When I was in my 20s - and I kid you not, I was in my 20s and thought of this which should have been a lightbulb moment but it was NOT for some strange, freakin' reason - I wrote this line down (because I was going to be a novelist. Ha!):
"I always meant to do something with my life but never quite got around to it."
Damn good line, would you not say??? If that's what I thought & felt @ 25, what the heck am I feeling & thinking now??? Gee-freakin'-whiz.
OK: I'm 44, 5'6, 170lbs and a size 12. I want to be 44, 5'6, 130lbs and a size 5. I can do it, I know I can, even tho I haven't done it yet. Hoping this blog gets me there...
I'm a shopaholic and want to STOP. It's therapy to me, but at the same time I hate it. I have made great progress in recent years but still have some work to do. I am more driven then ever now because I've decided I want to quit my job. I've been listening to Dave Ramsey's broadcasts almost every work day on the commute home since October 2007... I've got 2 of his books (the justifiable shopaholic @ her best!) but haven't read either yet. It's on the to-do-list (the never ending to-do-list). The radio broadcasts help, truly they do, but I want to take this to the next level. I want to live like nobody else so we can live like nobody else. Am having trouble with the husband getting on board (WTH?) but part of this blog is going to be working on that. And even tho Dave says we have to do it as a couple, I just may very well have to do this alone. And I have a plan for that so I'm ready. Starting... to-morrow. Right after I check out the 40% off sale @ Joann's, use my 40% off coupons (2) at Michael's, swing by Marshall's to get these 2 cute notebooks I saw but didn't buy & haven't stopped thinking about yet, and pick up these really cute Livestrong Nike's I saw @ Dick's last weekend, which will require me to take up running, but I'm OK w/that because I need to exercise, remember??? So, it's all good! Oh, yeah, one more thing... might look for a cute bag/tote that I don't need... So, when that's all done, I can start my "live like nobody else plan." Right? Right!
Continuing: Job woes, I have them... great job, nice title, good income but not so good for the "me" in Me. Work too much, leaving not enough time for family & home life. I don't want to quit working completely - I know myself well enough to recognize being a worker is better for me. I just want a normal 9-5 job that doesn't follow me home @ night, or on the weekends, and gives me more time to develop myself creatively & spiritually AND allows time to be a mom, a wife and a home-maker. We have a wonderful home but I don't enjoy it. When I'm there, I'm sacked on the couch chastising myself for being lazy & unmotivated, with the remote in one hand & the blackberry in the other just in-case I'm being summoned for work detail. Ugh.
Continuing: My marriage is not ideal. :( There is a saying that women marry a man just like good ol' dad. I didn't think I had done that when I got married. My husband is nothing like my dad. My dad was cruel and abusive, my husband is definitely not. He's a great guy and a good provider, neither of which my dad was... HOWEVER, I do recognize a few similiarities... they both are unaffectionate, selfish in their wants & decisions and stick-in-the-mud-homebodies. So, in that sense, I did marry a man just like good ol' dad. Ggggrrr! I hate being stereotypical! Can I live with it? I hope so... Am I willing to work on it? Yes, I am. But not forever and not without something giving on his end. So. I've got some heart & soul searching to do, for sure.
So! There you have it, Blog Land. One messed up, yet normal (IMHO) middle-ager trying to figure it all out & find the golden brick path to the twilight years. Wish me luck!!!
P.S. I write "so" alot. And I cuss. And I go off on tangents. And I make no apologies. I is what I is and that's all that I is. :P
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