Yikes!

Well, this was unexpected... I didn't mean to get to this point so quickly. I've fantasized about doing this, but it was just a fantasy... a daydream... now that I've actually done it, I'm, like, in shock...

OK, what am I talking about??? One of my goals. The marriage one. I had a meltdown today and I fired off an email (despite my emotional state, I was very level headed and clear thinking at the time)... this is what I sent my husband:

If you want to save our marriage, we need counseling and I am not setting it up. This is all on you so you need to decide what you want to do. I am done. I'm not being funny, I'm not kidding around. I don't know when, I don't know how but YOU need to do something to bring us together because I am done and if I stay done much longer there will be no going back and, honestly, I'm not so sure I'm not at that point already. I am so over our joke of a relationship. I know I should be telling you this instead of sending you an email but you don't seem to listen to what I say when I do tell you and you certainly don't notice my feelings when I'm standing right there in front of you. Besides, when was the last time we had a serious, heart-to-heart conversation? I have no idea. I'd rather talk to my friends then share any deep feelings with you. Because I don't think you care and I don't think you listen. I don't even know you anymore. I have no idea what you want out of life , what your dreams are, what your goals are. We're just 2 people living the same house. We're not partners, we're not friends. I've said this for 10 years: we're roommates. When are we going to quit being roommates and be married? I'm tired of living like this & I'm tired of feeling this way. I am not just unhappy - I am EXTREMELY unhappy.

And I hit "send." OMGosh... I have to defend myself because I realize how cowardly this is... but I've too often called him in the throes of a chaotic meltdown and altho I feel better afterwards, it's always just a vent. Things might be OK for a few days but it only lasts a few days and then we're back to wherever we were before my vent. So I didn't want to just go thru that again. I wanted to do something that MIGHT get results. Might get him to take me seriously this time.

Altho I feel TREMENDOUS guilt at doing this by email. He is a nice guy and he means well. He's just oblivious - OBLIVIOUS - to my feelings. He doesn't even see me anymore.

I think, too, I'm a little scared that he'll ponder this and realize he's not any happier than I am and that the reason he doesn't put more effort towards our marriage is because he doesn't want to.

But you know what? Either way it's good, right? If we're both done then we should let this go. As troubled as I am about this, I'm at peace with it, too.

Huh.